Relinquishing attack

Now in Ibiza, I have spent the last couple of days a self imposed prison, a tiny room for 21 euros, a shower across the hall, and bathroom in the next room. Clean, but like a nun's cell. I have been reading, writing, and trying to sort out WHY in God's name I have been robbed twice in two days. I thought I had published the account of the cobra gypsy woman in the cafe across from my hostal, but apparently not. I will take it from the email I sent my brother. But the real lesson is in the core belief that has been attracting attack all my life ever since I was a little girl and a teenage boy came out from behind the bushes where he had been stalking me. In that moment of attack, I  defended myself by promising him money if he let me go, which he did. But they caught him and took him to jail anyhow. When I saw him standing there, a policeman on either side, I started shaking with guilt and terror that he was being punished and I had not kept my promise to give him money. I had lied and told him my father was very rich! Ever since I have felt somehow responsible for the poor, and guilty of having more than they do. I have fought over money, the root cause of my divorce, and I have thought I had to protect myself and the survival of my children by doing so. I have fought for my inheritance, which I lost to my sister. All of this fighting over money I now trace to this one incident in my childhood when I thought my innocence was robbed. This makes me vulnerable to attack, and let me tell you, Gypsies can smell it, they work you over with your own guilt for having more than they apparently do! As she circled me like a cobra, first threatening to take my beer, while stealthily taking my photo wallet out of my purse and then handing it to me and asking for money in return, she was like a snake closing in for the kill, a consumate actress, she kept up her cry for money "por los ninos" for te children, while distracting me, and pressing me into giving her some change, and then when it was not enough, asking for MORE! She did the darting across the table from behind thing TWICE; heading for the beer, while actually having seen my wallet, she knew where to pounce, and having created a distraction which ended with me yelling that I would call the police, she left, I am sure feeling justified in her theft, since I had given her so little! What a guilt manipulator, and what an easy prey I was, sitting there with my purse clutched to my chest, thinking I had protected myself! Ironically, the closer to the chest I held my purse, the more vulnerable I became, because she had me feeling like a guilty victim because I did not give her enough! What a lesson! And now I am told I must forgive myself for thinking that I could be robbed of my innocence and my faith in God so easily. If I want peace I must give up attack, entirely, and ALL attack is self attack, or, in a word, GUILT! That feeling of fear and guilt must be relinquished entirely, or it is not relinquished at all. I cannot control what happens around me, but I can control how I interpret it. The cause of the upset was not the gypsy, but the guilt I have been carrying all these years, because the child I was thought I had sent a teenage boy to jail because of a lie. Now I realize that misperception of guilt has been projected onto all the poor of the world who believe that they have to steal or kill to get what they deserve, which is abundantly theirs by the grace of God, and need not be fought for or over. This is easier said than done, however, and I am learning the most important lesson of my life here in Spain. I am on a journey towards the center of the labyrinth. I am wrestling with the Minitaur, the Face of Evil, the Demon of Guilt and Shame and Terror that holds the world in it sway. The Course in Miracles tells me that if I can wholly release this thought, forgive it, and heal it, once and for all, a thousand will heal with me at the same time. The Curriculum is Universal. It is not up to me whether I take it, it is only  a matter of when. As I write this, there is still fear in the pit of my stomach. This confusion is still there, between being punished by God, for something I did or did not do, this sense of having my life, my freedom, my innocence,  taken away from me for no reason, and my innocence which is my birthright, my freedom to create which is eternally mine, this gift from God, which is life eternal, and not being worthy of it. I am breaking free of this ego driven torment that I believe has caused me to create dramas of theft of innocence all my life. Attack must be relingquished entirely, or it is not relinquished at all!
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May peace prevail.
Shelora